Many of us have heard our kids say “mommies and daddies can do anything.” But what we as a society often don’t talk about are the consequences when mommies and daddies are expected to do EVERYTHING. In today’s world, more two-parent households than ever are dual income families. As a result, recent generations of families have seen a shift in their division of labor, with more partners sharing in the income-earning and child-rearing duties.
While many parents share in both the earner and caregiver roles, society often devalues parents by continuing to act like it’s the 1950s. Moms’ “invisible” labor is ignored and we often feel judged for our parenting choices (ex. breastfeeding versus formula; working versus staying home). Dads, on the other hand, are reduced to “babysitting” for our kids and being praised for the simple act of caring for, and spending time with, our children. Despite the lack of societal acknowledgment and support for this Herculean task, we parents are doing our best to keep up in an exhausting world.
By the time work is done, the kids are taken care of, and the house is at least somewhat clean, many parents find ourselves too stressed out and exhausted to nurture ourselves with friendship, hobbies, and other meaningful activities. Too often we find ourselves sitting in front of the television trying to spend what little time we have left to decompress, going through the mental checklist of everything that needs to be done for the following day.
When the 40 hour work week was first established, it was with a “traditional” family in mind; dad would be off earning money, and mom would be home doing, well, everything else. According to the US Department of Labor, in 1920, women made up about 20 percent of the workforce. That number has since increased to about half. Meanwhile, women took on the Second Shift, a term coined by sociologist Arlie Hochschild to define the household and childcare responsibilities following the work day. As Moms and Dads continue to increase the sharing of responsibilities at home while also fulfilling their 40 hours at work, there just never seems to be enough time.
So what are the consequences of our superhero status? An overworked, overtired, and increasingly lonely generation of parents who are conditioned to believe that this amount of stress is normal. We fantasize about “having it all” without breaking a sweat, when in reality our stress has become so chronic that we no longer notice that it’s there.
This pervasive level of stress has been proven to lead to negative outcomes, including worsening mental health, increasing rates of parental depression and anxiety, and negative impacts on child development. In fact, the surgeon general of the United States, Vivek Murthy, recently released a report stating that parents have become so stressed out that they’re no longer able to function well. The cost of childcare is rising, and the average expectations for the work week have remained the same. Add to that the fact that work and childcare schedules rarely, if ever, line up, and that childcare is far too expensive for the average family, and you have a recipe for distress.
In his report, Dr. Murthy stated that government aid in the form of child tax credits, universal preschool, community programs, and increases in paid leave (including family and medical leave and sick time) are all ways that we as a society can curtail the growing epidemic faced by parents. The report also emphasized the need for society to recognize and respect the Second Shift as being of the utmost importance for our future. We must address the stress and challenges that come with parenting, and encourage caregivers to seek out support, and improve access to mental health care.
The good news is that we don’t have to wait for large scale changes. We can start right in our own communities by creating opportunities for parents to meet other caregivers, supporting each other, building friendships, and sharing experiences and ideas. Many of us have participated in supportive groups on social media, but we need more. We need real, in person relationships with those around us. Introduce yourself and get to know your neighbors, exchange numbers and offer to look out for their kids, plan social outings both with and without the kids, attend local classes and events, and do whatever you can to find others in real life. Nothing reduces stress like feeling connected. It’s time we become the village it takes to not only raise our children, but to care for our caregivers.