Are you familiar with the SPACE program? No, I’m not talking about astronauts and Artemis II (though how cool was that?!). The SPACE program is a therapy treatment protocol that stands for Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions, and it was developed by Dr. Eli Lebowitz at the Yale School of Medicine Child Study Center. As I’ve been implementing the program with families, I’ve found it to be full of wisdom and practical tools for helping kids manage their anxiety and become more independent. It really works!
The most important part of the program’s approach comes at the very beginning. In order to help our kids deal with anxiety, we have to change what we do as parents. This shift in thinking might seem easy and logical at first, but it actually takes a lot of practice to implement in daily life. We are so used to telling our kids what we expect of them, and this teaching and guidance is crucial to being good parents.
A New Approach to Childhood Anxiety
WHEN PARENTING HITS A WALL
But have you ever had the frustrating realization that, at a certain point, you can’t make your child do something that they don’t want to do? Do you end up feeling uncomfortable putting pressure on your child to be a certain way? Often when we try to force a behavior and are met with resistance, it leads to escalation – arguing, tantrums, meltdowns. The same is true for adults, actually. Most of us have come to the realization that we can’t make someone change – they have to want it for themselves. The only people we can truly control are ourselves.
BREAKING THE CYCLE
Now, the realization that we can’t make our kids act or behave the way we want them to might seem demoralizing. But it can also be freeing. When it comes to anxiety, kids can become entrenched in a pattern of avoiding things that are scary or uncomfortable. Instead of trying to force, pressure, cajole, or insist that your child stop being afraid of something, what if you changed how you react to their fearful behavior instead?
A Real-Life Example: The “Bedtime Rescue” Routine
Here’s an example. Sam is a 7 year old boy who is afraid of going to the upstairs of his house alone. He convinces his parents and even his younger sister to come upstairs with him if he needs something, and he isn’t able to get started on his bedtime routine without assistance. His parents reluctantly go to great lengths to help Sam get upstairs, even as they reassure him that there’s nothing unsafe up there. Multiple times a day, his parents take turns running up and down to avoid Sam having a big meltdown. Bedtime takes multiple hours, as Sam also needs his parents to stay with him until he falls asleep so that he doesn’t notice being alone upstairs.
FROM ESCALATION TO CONFIDENCE
Telling Sam that he doesn’t need to be scared of going upstairs hasn’t been effective, nor has his parents insisting that he go by himself. He becomes even more upset, and then his parents eventually go with him because it’s better than bringing their lives to a standstill. The small but important shift that the SPACE program teaches parents is that rather than expecting Sam to behave differently, they should change their own behavior. If they stop accompanying Sam upstairs, he’ll start to build the tolerance for doing it himself. This takes time, of course, and it’s best to start with a specific and well-defined scenario.
For example, Sam’s parents might start with not agreeing to go upstairs during the day when Sam has left a toy or something for school. Sam can then either choose to go get the item himself, or he can refuse, but either way his parents have decided they will not go upstairs to get it. They might calmly repeat a supportive phrase each time Sam asks them to accompany him upstairs (“You feel scared to go upstairs, but you can do it!”). This scenario might cause increased tension at first for Sam and his parents, but if his parents stay consistent and kind, he will likely stop avoiding the stairs in more and more scenarios. With this approach, Sam’s parents are no longer in the position of arguing and escalation. It takes practice, but it can be much easier to focus on what you will do differently as the parent, and let your child’s behavior be what it is. Then, gradually, your child will learn to tolerate their anxiety and will follow your example of independence and confidence.
EMPOWERED PARENTING
There are many more components to the SPACE program, and nothing about parenting is as simple as it sounds on paper. But I find that the shift in thinking – from expecting kids to be the ones to change, to parents themselves deciding to change their behavior – can be monumental. We as parents may not always be able to see all of the ways that we accommodate our children’s anxiety and avoidance, thereby inadvertently maintaining the anxiety we seek to minimize. Though it often feels easier to give in to the moment, such as letting kids sleep in bed with us, driving them to school because the school bus is scary, or accompanying kids to the bathroom, these patterns can be hard to break later on. When we accommodate a child’s anxiety, they initially feel relief. But the underlying message they get is that whatever they are afraid of really is dangerous, and they need their parents to continue providing that relief. By going upstairs with him every time Sam needed something, Sam’s parents unintentionally communicated to him that he couldn’t do it by himself, or that maybe it was risky after all.
Where to Start
The SPACE approach is not meant to place the blame on parents or to be judgmental, though I understand how sometimes parents may feel that way. The truth is that reducing accommodations and fostering independence is hard work. But like with so many hard things, it is completely worth it. I find that most parents who engage with the program end up feeling empowered; they discover that they actually have the ability to create change for their families! In research studies and in my own clinical experience, this approach truly works. If you’re interested, I encourage you to check out Dr. Lebowitz’s book Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD. And if you decide to seek therapeutic support, there are many skilled therapists trained in SPACE, including right here at Kingsbury.